


457 miles of longing

by laurenshappenstobemyhusband



Series: Haikyuu!! One Shots [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Has Anxiety, Akaashi Keiji-centric, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, just hang in for a little bit, side kuroken, someone help my bby please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21814831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurenshappenstobemyhusband/pseuds/laurenshappenstobemyhusband
Summary: "Keiji, you awake?"Akaashi's eyes shot open, and he propped his head back up on his hand, focusing back on the video call before him. "I'm up, Kou. Sorry for falling asleep again.""It's all good! It sucks that I can't call earlier. I wish I could come see you in person.""...yeah? Wishing's overrated anyway. We can make this work."--Akaashi and Bokuto try the long distance thing. It's enough, until it isn't.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Series: Haikyuu!! One Shots [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1555102
Comments: 6
Kudos: 299





	457 miles of longing

**Author's Note:**

> Why do I give so much attention to a background ship that like 20 people write for? Whyyyyyyyy
> 
> If anyone has any good bokuaka recs just lemme know because honestly I am STARVING for content
> 
> Anyway enjoy! I tried not to make it too angsty but we'll see

Akaashi Keiji is halfway through his first year of university, and Akaashi Keiji is sleep deprived. 

He can’t blame it on his professors; they are nothing if not fair, and he has plenty of time to do his classwork. He likes going into the lab once a week, performing calculations with one hand and pouring chemicals with the other. 

He can't blame it on his friends, either. Even though they go out partying at least once a week, they respect the fact that Keiji only goes to about one every month or two. Sometimes Kenma stays back with him, and the two of them hang out in Keiji's dorm while Kuroo's out late. 

There is only one person he can blame it on, and it's the only person he can't bring himself to blame.

"Are you sure you're not too tired to talk, Keiji?" Bokuto had asked the night before. Keiji could feel his eyes drooping, but he fought it off. 

"No, I'm good, Kou. Tell me more about the match you played today."

No, it definitely isn't Koutarou's fault. He can't help the fact that he has volleyball practice every day from ten am to ten pm, and his games sometimes go later than that. He's supposed to go to sleep at exactly 11, too, but he stays awake to talk to Keiji almost every day, even if only for a little.

Keiji and Koutarou are nailing this long distance thing. Please ignore Keiji's eye bags. 

They had known what they were signing up for. They started dating in high school, when Koutarou was already a third year, so they planned ahead.

"I'm gonna be a pro volleyball player, and you'll be my super smart and famous scientist boyfriend," Koutarou had said once while they were laying on his bed. Keiji's head was resting on his chest, and he could hear Koutarou's heart rate, solid and dependent. Just like him.

"And what if I also want to go into volleyball?" Keiji had responded, not serious. They both knew that he had no plans of continuing to play volleyball, outside of possibly playing in college. To Keiji, volleyball was a hobby. A fun one, one that brought him closer to Koutarou, but a hobby. To Koutarou, it was life. 

"Then I'll be the loudest one cheering in the stands, assuming we don't play on the same team, of course," Koutarou said, kissing the top of his head. 

"You better," he said simply, shutting his eyes. He tried to preserve the feeling as best as he could, for the lonely months to come. A hibernation of a relationship, with him surviving on scraps of video calls and gifts sent through the mail.

He is surviving, all right. Just not very well.

He snaps to attention in the middle of writing class, quickly copying the notes from the board. He knows he has two options: either to cut down on the late night video calls with Koutarou, which might just kill him, or to start drinking an extra cup of coffee every morning.

He makes a note to buy more K-cups from the grocery store. Just enough to last him until Koutarou comes back.

______

"Keiji, this isn't healthy," Kenma says, nudging him with his foot. "This whole 'staying up all night long distance thing'." He paused his game and everything, so Akaashi knows that he's being serious. Doesn't make it any less annoying, though.

"I agree wholeheartedly," Kuroo adds from the other side of the room.

"What, is this an intervention or something? I would've worn a nicer shirt had I known," Akaashi yawns, looking up from his book. "Besides, Kuroo, you agree with everything Kenma says. It doesn't even mean anything anymore."

"Hey! Rude. We're just trying to help."

Akaashi knows this, and he tries to appreciate it. They're friends with both him and Koutarou, and they know what he's going through more than anyone. He just wishes they weren't so insistent that they break up for something as stupid as sleep.

"Really guys, I'm fine. As soon as midterms are up, I'll be sleeping through the entire vacation. That'll even it out, right?"

One look exchanged between Kuroo and Kenma says that no, that's not how bodily functions work. But it's how they'll have to, for his sake. For Koutarou's sake, all the way in Kyoto.

457 miles feels a lot longer when you're facing them alone.

That night, as he waits for Koutarou to pick up - he's usually the one who calls the other man, since he's the more timely one - Akaashi thinks about what it would be like if he didn't make these calls every night. If he let go of Koutarou, at least until he came back, and tried to find someone else.

He doesn't find any relief in it. Instead, it's the familiar aching dread that he experienced back in his first year of high school. He came in with no friends, nobody he knew at all. He didn't even have a club. But just seeing Koutarou play - even if he didn't know who he was at the time, who he would become to him - made him feel like he had a purpose. 

_He was a star._ He still is to this day. And when you catch a shooting star, you don't let it go. Not for all the rest in the world.

"Keiji, hi!" Koutarou now exclaims, his enthusiastic face filling Akaashi's laptop screen. "How did your classes go today? You probably aced them all as usual, haha. Did the same language professor give you trouble again? I'll come yell at him if he did."

"No, nothing like that," Akaashi reassures him, the hole of dread filled over with fondness and longing for something that was so close, yet so far. He hugs his pillow to his chest, wishing that Koutarou could come yell at his professor, just so he'd be here. "I'll talk more about my day after, it was pretty boring. How was practice today? Did your captain make you work on your receives again?"

"Ugh, like you wouldn't believe, babe. I miss being able to boss people around like he does."

"You were a pretty bossy captain, back in high school."

"Was I really, Keiji? Was I mean to you back then?"

"Of course not, Kou, I'm only joking. You couldn't be mean to a fly."

"Aw, you're just saying that. You always know what to say, that's why you're the brainy one in the relationship."

They alternate between themselves, each one offering an anecdote or story or something interesting that happened to them since the previous night. Akaashi recounts his entire day - minus the intervention from Kenma and Kuroo, of course - and listens just as intently as Bokuto recounts his own. He isn't even that tired as he hangs up, whispering "I love you," so he won't wake his roommate, who now sleeps with ear plugs. RIP to him, but Akaashi is a man on a mission.

______

Akaashi is one day into the new term, and Akaashi is starting to think that maybe he isn't alright. 

Vacation was great; he slept in every morning, slept the day away when he could. Koutarou still had practice all day - "Volleyball never rests, Keiji, you know that," - but it was easier to stay up at night and talk when Akaashi didn't have to worry about classes in the morning. Midterms were over and done with, and he was fairly sure that he did well on all of them. It didn't seem like anything could burden him ever again.

And then comes the first day back of classes, and he's reminded of why everyone always says that college is a different level of hard compared to high school.

"Alright, I can do this," he mutters to himself, looking at the papers spread out over his bed. His roommate isn't around, so he isn't afraid of looking like a crazy person. "One essay for history class, one in class presentation for English. We have a lab on Thursday so I'll have to clear my afternoon for then, and the lab report will be due the next Monday. I also have to revise my calculus quiz if I want to bump the grade up to a 95. So if I spread this out evenly, I can probably finish it all in time." 

Akaashi is no stranger to budgeting time like money, spreading it out evenly through his planner in tiny, precise writing. He isn't familiar, however, with the fingers of dread that are currently seizing his chest. He takes a few deep breaths, willing his heart rate to slow.

_I can handle this much. I'm not alone in any of this. I'm prepared for everything I have coming, and I have plenty of time for it all._

But the dread remains, and he starts to think it might not be so easy to get it to dissipate. It isn't a panic attack, but maybe a panic attack's little brother. A bad case of the nerves, seizing his innards and refusing to let go.

Without thinking about it, he types Koutarou's phone number into his phone and clicks the call button. He knows that there's no way he'll pick up, he's definitely in practice, but for some reason he tries anyway.

"Hey hey hey! This is Bokuto Koutarou! Well, you probably know that already since you're trying to call me and all, but whatever. Leave a message and I'll call you back as soon as I'm done with volleyball!"

Akaashi doesn't bother with the message, as he knows that Koutarou doesn't really listen to them. He hangs up the phone, tossing it to the side, and bites his lip hard enough to taste blood. Hearing his voice, even over a recorded message, caused the panic to recede a little, but loneliness took its place, twice as heavy.

He looks over his planner, choosing a project at random. In class presentation for English it is. He sets himself a timer for an hour, then texts Konoha and Komi, asking if they want to grab dinner. He doesn't feel like eating alone tonight; the quiet is too consuming for him.

That night, Koutarou says, "I saw you called earlier today. What's up?"

Akaashi hesitates, then says, "It was a misdial. Sorry if I disturbed your game."

"Not at all! I didn't see it until like an hour ago. Just wanted to check in case something was wrong."

"...nope, everything's fine. I'm a little tired now, actually, so I think I'll go to bed."

Koutarou looks disappointed, but says, "Health first, Keiji! We'll talk more tomorrow. Good night, love you and miss you as always!"

_Why does it have to be like that? Why are 'I love you' and 'I miss you' always juxtaposed?_

"Love you and miss you too, Kou."

Regardless of what he said, Akaashi doesn't fall asleep until an hour after he hangs up. His phone lies a few feet away, still open to a call long ended.

______

The panics come more frequently as the year goes by. The beginning of the year was all easy peasy lemon squeezy, being eased into all of the courses, but now it's all stressed depressed lemon zest as he realizes he has _three more years of this holy crap._

Akaashi still manages to keep it together for Koutarou, since he only talks to him once a day, but it isn't long before he cracks in front of his friends. 

"Did you finish your presentation for English yet?" Kenma asks, feet propped on Kuroo's lap. It's the only class all three of them take together, so it comes up pretty often between them. Still, he feels a tightness growing rapidly by the second in his stomach.

"When's that due?" he asks, trying to keep his voice even. He _knew_ that he had neglected something when he focused on studying for calculus. 

"In a few days. You worked on it last week, though, you should be fine."

"I need to make my concluding paragraph. I completely skipped over a body paragraph too." His breath is coming out in shorter bursts, and he grabs his planner from his desk, scribbling _English project, ASAP_ in the box for tomorrow. If he takes off an hour from studying for history, he might be able to squeeze it in...

"Akaashi, you good? You look a little pale."

He recognizes Kuroo's voice now, uncharacteristically worried, and he tries to hold it together for his sake. But his vision is tunneling a little at the edges, and he knows it probably isn't pretty.

"Yep, I'm fine," he wheezes, trying to remember what that site told him. In four, hold six? Or maybe it was hold seven. Whatever it was, he couldn't count very well in his state.

"Tetsurou, I think he's having a panic attack."

"No shit, man. How do we help him?"

"I'm fine, please," Akaashi tries to say, but it takes too much energy, so he resolves to lie down on his bed instead. His bed is comfortable, supporting. And _god_ is he tired. He closes his eyes so he won't have to face the walls closing in anymore.

"Kenma, he's literally passing out."

"Tetsurou, the site says to give him space. I don't know what else we can do. I'll get him some water." He leaves the room, and Akaashi can faintly hear Kuroo approaching him. 

"Akaashi, are you okay? Talk to me."

"Nap," Akaashi responds simply, and lets himself drift off. The vice on his chest loosens its hold just a bit. 

When he opens his eyes, it's darker out. How much darker, he can't really say, so he checks his phone for the time. If he's remembering clearly, he's been out for half an hour. Not the best nap in the world, but he's had worse.

There's a water bottle waiting for him by his desk, and he grabs for it, spilling a little on his shirt. His mouth is drier than a desert, probably from all that hyperventilating. Whatever the reason, he feels better once the bottle is empty. Only then does he feel strong enough to check the note beside it.

In Kenma's messy scrawl, it reads: "Keiji, we did some research on panic attacks and passing out, and the websites say that you'll be fine, so don't worry. Kuroo was freaking out a lot, but he's fine now. We propped your head up on some pillows and left you a water bottle. As soon as you wake up, call me. If you aren't up by the time dinner is over, I'll take you to the infirmary. We are talking about this, by the way."

Akaashi groans, not wanting to have to deal with the repercussions of his actions. But at the same time, he knows that Kenma's a man of his word, and that he _will_ call the infirmary, whether he wants it or not. So without missing a beat, he finds Kenma's contact and calls him up.

"Keiji, thank goodness," Kenma says on the first ring. His tone is even, as always, but the undertone of concern makes Akaashi's stomach drop. "We'll be in your room in a few minutes. Tetsurou's just finishing up."

"Wait, is that Akaashi?" he hears in the background. "I wanna talk to him! Put him on speaker."

"Not now, Tetsurou. You'll talk to him soon." Kenma's voice grows clearer as he presses the phone back to his face. "That was him, if you couldn't hear. I hope you're feeling better. Did you find the water we left you?"

"Yeah, thanks. It helped a lot." The pit in Akaashi's stomach is a shallow pool now. He'll be able to handle the upcoming talk.

"See you soon, Keiji." It sounds twice as ominous as Kenma probably intends.

"So... your anxiety..." Kuroo starts once they're all seated, the two of them on Akaashi's roommate's bed and him across from them.

"What about it?" Akaashi can't deny it anymore. Regardless of whether it's only temporary or if it had been dormant inside of him forever and is now awake, he definitely has something.

"Have you told Bokuto about it?"

"No, I don't want to worry him. I would also appreciate it if you didn't bring it up to him either," he says, biting his lip. "Talking to him helps me deal with it. If he knew that I had... nerves, then he would get all worked up for nothing."

"Talking isn't enough, though." This is from Kenma, staring with those cat eyes of his. "The long distance thing, it's not healthy."

"I know it's not. I'm aware enough to know that much. But not talking to him would be so much worse." Akaashi knows this fully, from all the days he's had to work too late to talk to Koutarou. It always left him feeling empty, emptier than usual. He wouldn't be able to deal with it if it suddenly became permanent.

"Still, he's your boyfriend. Surely he can do something." Kuroo again, leaning forward in his seat. "Maybe he can come-"

"Out of the question. He's too busy," Akaashi says, cutting him off immediately. He can't bring himself to hope, not when it'll interfere with Koutarou's dream. 

"I understand," Kenma says slowly. "Is there anything we can do to help you? We're always here for you."

"Yes, you guys help a lot just by being here. Thank you." 

"We printed out some sheets from the internet. Coping mechanisms and stuff, to help with the stress," Kuroo says, handing him a folded up wad of paper. "Read them over, see if they help. And if you ever feel yourself spiraling again, call one of us."

"Thank you. You guys are the best." And Akaashi means it entirely, enough that it makes his chest hurt from fondness. He doesn't know what he'd do without them. He doesn't even want to think about it.

______

Finals. Akaashi can't bring himself to even think the word. It's all studying and cramming and _definitely_ not sleeping and trying to find a little bit of time to talk to Koutarou in between all of the chaos. He sticks to his word, calling Kenma or Kuroo whenever it feels like too much, but they also have their own finals to study for, and he can't push his own problems on them. He joins a few study groups, they keep him grounded, and he knows that he knows all of the information by the time the tests roll around.

So why can't he bring himself to get out of bed?

It's his last weekend before the tests. He can't possibly cram any more, and he and his friends had planned to go out on the town for one last Friday night before hell week. But when he gets the text from Kenma telling him that they're leaving soon, he can't bring himself to get up.

"I'm not panicking, really," he assures him over the phone. "Just a little worn out, you know? I'll go out with you guys when the finals are over, promise."

Kenma doesn't push, because he's a good friend, but he does add that Akaashi shouldn't hesitate to call if he does spiral. Akaashi swears that he will, then immediately puts his phone across the room. He won't bring his friends down with him this time.

By his second night of not leaving bed, he's grown rather fond of pre-made beans in tomato sauce. It's all he's eaten since he dedicated himself to the life of a hermit, since it's within reach, and it's his new favorite food. Doesn't take any work to make it at all.

"Akaashi, please get out of bed. Just for a little," Kuroo pleads, trying to drag the blanket away. He doesn't understand the anxiety, not like Kenma does, so he doesn't understand why it's crucial that Akaashi preserves all of his energy for the upcoming week. He pulls the blanket back and doesn't say a word.

He doesn't call Koutarou that night. He doesn't have it in him to preserve his image.

And then it's his last day. He can't stall any more. He does his breathing, he looks over his notes one more time. Hell, he even eats some real food (take-out from Kenma, but irrelevant). So where the hell is the dopamine?

The day passes slowly, a snail's pace of minutes ticking by. Kenma and Kuroo know to leave him alone by now, and his other friends are studying as well. He almost calls Koutarou again, just to listen to that stupid voicemail recording, but stops himself. There's a line of pathetic that Akaashi won't cross, and it's right there in front of him. 

He does some internet searching of his own. What does he really need? From one source, it's sunlight. Another says coffee. A hobby, exercise, to spend time with family, some weird energy drink that'll probably make him high. None of these things will loosen the vice. They don't know what he really needs.

He needs-

"Keiji?"

Akaashi recognizes the person instantly, even though his room is pitch black, even though he's face down on his bed. He wishes he had the energy to sit up and face him. A muffled, "Kou," will have to do for now.

He hears Koutarou approach his bed, the mattress sinking under his weight. Then he feels a hand on his back, another running through his hair, and it gives him enough strength to finally face the one thing that could help him.

"Kou," he repeats, taking in his larger than life frame, his hair that can't quite be contained within a camera's lens. "What are you doing here? Don't you have practice?"

"I took a day off," he says simply, and leans in, kissing Akaashi like it's all he ever wanted. Akaashi reciprocates easily, since it really _is_ all he's wanted for a while now. 

"Wait," he finally says, breaking away for a second. "You can't miss practice. You're a pro now, there's a contract-"

"Even I have a few vacation days to use," Koutarou cut him off, going back to kissing his neck. "Priorities, ya know?"

Akaashi suddenly realizes what's happening, and he leans away from Koutarou's touch, as loathe as he is to do it. "Kenma and Kuroo put you up to this, right? I told them not to worry you. You shouldn't have come, as much as I love you for it."

"If I can't be there for you when you haven't left your bed in days, then what good am I as a boyfriend?" Koutarou asks, intertwining their fingers. "You're not a burden to me, Keiji. You never were. You always helped me through my slumps, and now I'm here to help you through yours."

"But practice-"

"Practice shmactice. Your finals are more important, brainy. And I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I wasn't there for you before them."

Akaashi frowns at his logic, but still allows himself to be pulled into Koutarou's arms. "You can't help me study, you know. My brain is too fried for that."

"I know. I'm just here to hang with you. We can watch a movie, or go do something, or-"

"Can we stay here? It's nice here."

"You've been here all weekend, Keiji."

"It's nicer with you here. It always is." He's in a weirdly sappy mood, but he hasn't felt better in months, so he won't overthink it too much. Koutarou's a softy for it anyway. "You feel more muscly."

"Really?" Koutarou flexes, which makes them both laugh, and Akaashi wraps himself tightly around his chest. 

"Don't move for now, okay? I know you have to leave soon, but just for now, stay here."

"I'm not going anywhere, babe." And despite the obvious untruth in his words - he'll have to leave eventually, of course - Akaashi lets himself believe it. One more day. One more hour.

They'll make it work. They always have, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: laurenshappenstobemyhusband


End file.
